Beautifully New

A meditation on disenchantment.

Published on: 7/19/2024

Male distracted by shiny new gift while female partner cries.

It’s the common habit of falling into a relationship with someone who excites me for a month or two, and then starting to feel a mind-numbing obligation to love and support someone I don’t want to love or support anymore.

I don’t know why I try so hard to take care of them after the high ends and the obligation begins. I’m not in love with them but I love them in a way. I focus on their beauty, their kindness, their toughness. I genuinely feel happy when they’re happy, and upset when they’re down.

Someone once told me this is some kind of mother wound. Another person told me I’m suffering from past relationship trauma. My favorite person told me to stop listening to pseudo therapists.

Whatever the reason, I only want the intensely good feelings that come with new relationships. Not the deep, meaningful feelings that come with devoting yourself to a long-lasting love.

Do I know love? Maybe only new love. Not old love.